I haven't spoken to my mother in over two years. As Mother's Day approaches, sadness washes over me. While others are happily celebrating with flowers, chocolates, and welling greeting cards, I have to step away from my social media feeds in the name of self-care. Because that is the only way to avoid posts, photos, and ads that perpetuate harmful myths. Every mother loves, appreciates, respects, and adores her child, and every child has an obligation to support this idea, no matter the circumstances, no matter the truth.

The mother-child relationship is far more diverse and complex than the blanket image we are bombarded with in the mainstream. The constant reminders of the picture-perfect mother-child bond can be cruel to those of us who have never experienced such a bond. A similar argument could be made for "Father's Day" (opens in new tab), but the discourse surrounding "Mother's Day" overwhelms the rest, as evidenced by the disproportionate national spending (opens in new tab) on this holiday.

My relationship with my mother fluctuated from somewhat stable and manageable to dysfunctional at the time she was there. In therapy, I have learned that my conflicts, frustrations, and occasional despair are intergenerational. Toxicity and chaos have been a narrative of my family dynamics since long before I was born, and emotional dysfunction has been normalized and passed down like a family heirloom. Thus, I unwittingly inherited an unfortunate legacy.

Therapy eventually taught me that the steady dose of weaponized anger, excessive expectations, self-serving criticism, and micromanagement that I had internalized as "normal" was damaging my mental health and other relationships, including my marriage. The dynamics between my mother and I had become unsustainable. After finally attempting to deal with my mother's escalating behavior, I drew strict boundaries. My expressed desire for a lighter, more sustainable relationship was met with crickets, and we no longer speak; for the third year in a row, Mother's Day passes in silence.

At 40, I have a new appreciation for the concepts of boundaries and self-care. As my therapist recently told me, I think I am on the other side of grieving the mother-daughter relationship I always wanted: a mutual dynamic defined by unconditional love, respect, and stability. Still, every May, I prepare myself for the inevitable feeling that my psychological progress will be hampered by society's choice to honor stereotypical representations of the mother-daughter relationship.

I do not begrudge those who find joy in celebrating Mother's Day or any other holiday. It is lovely to see families out and about, enjoying each other's company (although I would argue that it is lovely to see such a spectacle regardless of the date on the calendar). But I can't help but think of those, like myself, for whom this day evokes feelings of alienation, shame, sadness, and grief for those who don't. For many, this struggle with alienation is often a life sentence, no matter how much therapy (a privilege in itself) they receive.

According to a 2015 study (open in new tab) on estrangement between mothers and their adult children, over 40% of participants experienced estrangement from their parents at some point. Another study (open in new tab) shows that parental estrangement is as common a phenomenon as divorce, and we continue to learn more (open in new tab). Despite these statistics, why do brands engage in such deceptive or worse gaslighting of consumers during these holidays? [Clinical psychologist and best-selling author Dr. Ramani Durvasula (opens in new tab) explains, "There are many different models of mothering, including LGBTQ+ families, multigenerational families, and foster families, that are rarely portrayed. It also marginalizes non-traditional mothering models and contributes to a sense of disconnection for those who do not [experience] what is portrayed as the "norm."

Avoiding social media, commercials, and greeting card stands at this time of year does not help us manage our emotional inability to easily accept the call to "celebrate mom," as society suggests. Now is the time to showcase the mother-daughter relationships that are hidden behind the shame and stigma that are not found in advertisements and greeting cards.

Recently, I found a Reddit forum that highlighted the lives and experiences of adult children living away from their parents. One user posted a comment about how difficult it is to avoid the hype around Mother's Day and attached a screenshot of an email sent by a company that had taken steps to respect the consumer's situation, whatever it may be. The email included an opt-out button that read, "We know that Mother's Day is coming up and that this is a sensitive time for some of you. If you do not wish to receive emails regarding this event, please let us know by March 4 by clicking below. But don't worry, we will continue to send you our regular emails.

"I wish all companies would do this," the contributor concludes. I agree. Simply acknowledging that others are experiencing estrangement and loss on this day can go a long way and hopefully work toward eliminating the notion that greeting cards and gifts are necessary in the first place.

I don't know what the future holds for my mother and me, but normalizing the reality that the mother-child relationship is far more diverse, complex, and messy than we are led to believe would be a step in the right direction. Such an effort would even help ease the pain of mothers trying to protect their peace of mind as well as their adult children.